Maria Rotten’s blog

i don't know what's in the air but it aint good. i feel my small world slowly tumbling and falling down. my friends are my infrastructure and they've been taking some blows on my part lately. i love them for it. i just feel like im in  someone else's skin.

i need to move out. soon. i can't wait any longer. i feel the pressure is on and i've been caught in the headlights. staring blankly and ready to flee for my life.

school's about to start, could it have been any better timing. this has to be one of the most revealing summers of my life and i cant forget it.

christine is moving to london as an au pair in late august for at least a yr if not two. god i don't even wanna think about that either, it just gets me in the worst funk ever.

depression city 2009 you're being built as a i type. now lets just anticipate the big breakdown i'll have in a couple of months, get you're tickets while you still can.

so unlike everyone around me i get to go back to school and get midterms done...grosss. i don't wanna think about school im on my much needed break and i've accomplished so much rest i loooooveee it. i didn't get to hang out w/ jake at all cuz he was gonna go to mexico w/ his dad and ended up making it to Vegas instead. we were texting...god i hate that term texting.eughhh and i told him i missed him a little, he agreed we needed to hang out when he got back so that's pretty awsome :) but yeah so my past week has consisted of:

tues: beach day looovin emily s. and i hit up bolinas on one of the most beautiful days the beach could see it was just baller. we didn't stay there long but the ride there was epic talk about natural highs followed up by a personal jay at the beach...sooo nice.

wed: Darkroom lovinnn, went to visit mo and willy got some workprints done YAY. then took care of babygirl took her to the park w/ emily s. and met up w/ tiffy and her sister and went to the little park and had some hella expensive ass ice cream. bomb times i miss my homegirls!!!

thurs:i was supposed to do teatime/ petaluma hanging out w/ amber today bc her bday was last week and i didn't make it to her bday rendevouz she's sick today and i have to wait for babygirl to get here then the day is freeeee! gonna hang out w/ my Alice Baby though woot woot. it's gonna be bitch commuting to rosa but w/ev i have the time yes yes!

i hope everyone's school bullshit is going well. and lemme know when all of youre guyses breaks are i probably wont see you but you never know i'd still love to plan out a coffee session or somethin. ooo mary's crepes much eh? i smell a beautiful reunion. :D

as i tye this i hope it aides in helping me retrieve some smidgm of sanity, and serenity within my mind. my sister and her boyfriend just left from visiting. i hadnt seen her since xmas. thats two fucking months. never has it been this long that i go without seeing my sisters. i cry knowing that there is so much wrong and so much shit going on inside of me that i cant even begin to fathom how its gotten this low. first off i begin to ignore school escaping what seems the wrath of my english class by isolating myself from the rest of the class, not attending, or giving half assed effort.instead ive found myself sitting at alice's place keeping her company as im stoned out of my mind having heart to hearts with her over cigarettes and artwork. i phase out my friends and family by meeting some stranger, and then leading him on, only ending in a bittersweet goodbye as i ended up falling more for his friend. something i'll never forget, and while the encounter only lasted 2 days it felt like one of those moments in my life that seemed to have lasted a week and i will never forget. i dreaded falling into depression i still do. i fear i am slowly, but this is the first attempt ever to try and redeem myself by catching onto whats wrong and doing my best to fix it. the burden i feel is the same one ive encountered ever since i fell into the routine of work, school, 1day off, school work, etc. this neverending cycle is slowly driving me mad. i feel like all my artistic worth as a person and inspirations has been numbed and put on hold. never have i had the urge to just let everything go and leave my mind. im really fucking scared this cycle will not meet its end until summer break kicks in. how could i try and tell my sister i feel like im falling into depression when there is so much more to catch her up on. some good, some bad, all in all the normal. i feel like im loosing myself to the world. i crave the comfort i gave and received. even if it was just for 2 days. i haven't had anyone care about me that way ever, i felt out of place allowing someone to care about me that way. but it felt really comforting too. the chamomille tea is easing me in but i can't help but still feel really helpless lately.

few updates ill try and keep it short:

-school- my history class is fucking great, the proffessor is really good and i enjoy the content.

photo- favorite class, i can't complain its just fucking around in the darkroom

english-can suck my balls, the books are good, the people in it suck as always, theres only like 2 people in that class i get along w/ and one of em is kinda cute but he's still in highschool-yeah,no.

work: charlie started working there, he's funny its not too bad.

it was lucy's bday on friday and we all went out to marakesh in the city, it's a hookah bar as long as your 18+ you can buy drinks its pretty fucking awsome a beer and 3rum and cokes later i found myself dancing like a fool w/ aaron, lucy, lee and mike. fucking awsome. on top of smoking and talking shit like i always do when im buzzed w/ a guy named...well Guy. ironic or what, he was pretty nice imagine that one guy from king of the hill who always mumbles everything and has the squinty eyes. thats him exactly.

sat- Alison visited and it was fucking awasome for the 20min or so we spent together smoking. arts and crafts night w/ emily stoned as shit and ironing together pieces of plastic-fun.

sund-emily rossi is moving to S.Cruz so i hung out w/ her one last time,bomb ass herb and some backroad lovin.

-worked today, my (the catholic comb) cd came in the mail but my computer is being a cunt and not allowing me to play it, im pissed off as shit.

currently im beginnning to stress out about:

-having to start up saving money all over again.

-catching up in classes bc i JUST got my books last week. blehhh

- feeling like im running out of time like always and feeling like im sleeping less but concentrated enough where im able to have that sustain me for a day.

sometimes i feel like im living my life by the bare minimum, that goes towards feeling like accomplishing tasks have become harder  knowing theres a greater picture to look at, ive been really out of sync about living in the moment, it's pretty shitty.

i hope all of this is just due to having just started the semester but still i really wanna do well in school this time around, but i feel like i've already started on the wrong foot.

on a reallllly good note, i went to a dbgc show a while ago, it was fun(ny) oh man i forgot people, should i say punk rockers are still fucking elitists. oh and i've become good friends, with alice and her bf will. they're really fucking sweet like sugar and make me feel really at ease in SRosa. along w/ having jill and kiki there it helps a lot i don't feel as lonely this semester there and i think its helping my attitude about having more confidence in myself.

hope all is well with everyone, i'll try and post more often even with as much as i typed there was still a lot of shit that's happened this past month, to know i was all mopey, fucking girl hormones they can be a drag sometimes.

so i woke up this morning at around 5 or six in the morning, im on my period so its not as if im siked about getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. when i got back in bed i knew i wasn't gonna be able to go to sleep again. on top of that my brother was snoring. great. i think it's the hormones but i started crying. i just fuckin realized its gonna be another year of the same stupid bullshit. and whats even worse is that a year went by and i'm still unhappy. sometimes i feel like the people who i work with just tolerate me bc im there, its a shitty feeling. no one literally no one bothers to call me even though i lost my phone, i spent my new year's eve night coming home stoned from alex's after delivering her present, showering, eating, baking cookies, and falling alseep in my parent's bed before midnight. i never go out anymore, not that im a partygoer, bc o wait i can't spend the night elsewhere, i don't drive and am dependent of the bus 6days a week. i barely manage school, and work. oh but best of all, i have had NO time to work on sketching or anything i do enjoy. i fucking hate the way everything is playing itself out right now and i only fear it;s gonna get worse once the semester kicks in. im back in my isolation period and for once i feel it may be the right thing to do, no one gives a shit, why should i give a shit about anyone anymore. im starting to feel detached from  myself and its scaring me.

i talked to christine last night and it was really good to know she has been one of the only people who has noticed how well i've been handling this new transtion of a job, school, lack of sleep, and even worse lack of time and energy to work on some art. im really proud of myself as well, im taking it well, and not allowing it to get to me. i had this really good conversation with lucy as well, and it got me in such a warm and fuzzy mood i love it. i've truly been surrounding myself by the best people ever, and everything has slowly fallen into place. i still fear a bad wave coming, but with all this hectic shit going on all around me i feel like i can take it on. it's the first time ever i feel that strong too. we talked about panic attacks in my ab psych class and i fit all the symptoms.  at the same time i've been feeling somewhat drained about supporting people in their emotional shit while trying to find a piece of mind in my life.

for the first time in probably 6 months i sat there and sketched. it flowed so fucking freely and i was more sobered out from the tea than anything. the lines just flowed, the shading did too, and my mind felt free for once in a long time. im glad i took the time to just sit there and do it.

now i gotta go finish shooting a roll, and do a quick shooting project as well as some homework. good luck to me...

p.s. i hope all you college gals are handling well.

heather im proud of you, girl do what makes you happy, when its right you'll know it's right, i've learned it's better to keep a good friendship than to loose one over petty feelings.

mica, i hope davis is treating you well, dylan shit is mearly just bullshit, don't put up with it, you're too beautiful and caring to be treated like you're not, im here for you anytime please know that.

akiko, you're the nearest one to me, and i feel like you're the farthest, i hope you're enjoying sfstate, it's a great fucking school and i only wish you the best through this transition all of us are making :)

love you all, and i'll try and post more when i can. for now this is where i'm at.

so im so happy to know mica's smash tournament went well, and rockin those heels as well. you go girl!

jam sesh girl, you should've busted out your crazy string fingers as well. badassin'

...homework is alright, i finally got my psych book and im really liking it. i've been wayy better about studying and taking breaks when i feel like it rather than killing my brain over it. i feel really accomplished!

  i hung out w/ emily rossi on friday. i was planning on going to a show that night, by myself..yeah everyone was gone and doing other things, go figure....but then when she called me crying and upset i knew the show could wait. i've really missed her since she's been in emeryville, and will admit I thought she was handling things better on her own, but she's been going through heavy load of family stuff lately and i really noticed how everyone kinda busted out. im glad to know i was there to comfort and be there with her. it's just hard knowing she's farther away, and with school, and my parents being anal about spending the night elsewhere it's hard for me to be there like i used to :(

  well on a lighter note im gonna be making some food for my sisters' event on the 12th, and i've got a job interview on wed. that im psyched for. i hope to go on a shoot later today before the sun goes down, my first roll i feel came out shitty, and i wanna give myself the benefit of having more to work from.

   it's funny because when we were doing the shoot as a class on thurs i couldn't help but smile and laugh to myself as i saw everyone look like beginners, it was a warming amusement, and on top of that having an older gramps looking man in our class who is cute as a button just makes me feel really warm and fuzzy. i can tell this is gonna be a really cool class people wise even though this really cute guy is in it who intimidates the hell outta me..ohh jeez.

MICA. hope you have a great one :D

leave it to a banner on the top of my computer to describe how i feel right now.

   i FINALLY finished registering for classes, and i feel pretty content about my schedule:

-9-10:30 Environmental Philosophy

-10:30-12 Abnormal Psychology

-HOUR BREAK.

-1-3 College Reading n Writing

-HOUR BREAK

-4-7 Intermediate Photography.

i literally took the last seat for the photo class it was madness. soo proud of myself though. good shit happened for a reason and i thank the positive vibes i've radiated and the patience which is slowly being instilled in my spirit for allowing me to be able to take the class.

    my parents seemed a bit iffy about my classes, down to it i told em they all meet the requirements and personally i'm fucking paying for my classes/books/commute. all me.

my mom's iffy about me taking art classes, but im standing my ground. i know if i don't take em i'll fall off the wagon, and not having a place to escape, spark up then go to class would suck a lott of balls especially for art classes.

    on a really awsome NOTE: i entered this myspace free tickets through slim's to see Manic Hispanic, and the White Barons  and....I WON!!! hella got a pair, just in time for aaron to have gotten his truck so tomorrow night after he gets off work we're heading the fuck down there sooo EXCITED!

     Im also going to modesto on Sat for my Niecy's 1st bday party. that's right we share the same bday on the 6th! yay!  

listening to some of the music i did back in middle school reminds me all too much about how i miss the times when nothing mattered, and everything was soo easy going. im glad i'm taking the steps in growing up, but it still makes me nostalgic. i was talking to my cousin yesterday she's a bit more ghetto and hangs out w/ gangbangers....

shes only 14. shit, im concerned dood, she knows some of the heads i know, and she's gotten in trouble already.

   reminds me of all the bullshit i pulled, all the people i got caught up w/ and all the shit i went through while christine was gone. it's scary, i was resilient, shit that's all i could do. i know even though how much i am able to tell her to take it easy, and just enjoy what she has and try not to fuck it up too bad, that's the same shit i heard, i block it all out, i have this horrible tendency to block out anything i don't wanna hear, next thing you know its out.

i know she's just a kid and probably will go through a whole bunch, but i guess now i realize what fears everyone had for me, i thought i was on top of the world, shit, if only i knew i was pure fucking scum.

everything will be alright, now the issues are about me attempting to deal with situations where i'm trying to be as sensitive to other peoples feelings while still being there.

paying for classes and getting myself up to SR, working my ass off as much as i can in hopes of leaving this shithole, and if im lucky making more friends, and being a lot nicer.    somehow i feel content and not overwhelmed, i hope this high lasts long enough for me to savor it, and of this i think for once i am sure that the lows won't come so low, and the highs, well those are always fucking great.