mizmo asked me this a while back as i was going through the AP portfolio frenzy. she mentioned how it seems im sabotaging my own sucess by having procrastinated for so long on it. i feel indifferent about what i told her however now ive seemed to find a smidg'm of light amongst this spiral of bad habits.
it was the first time i suppose that she even mentioned that i could succeed. in what way though, personal or external onto the world. maybe its the freshness of having turned it in that i wont allow the pat on the back for all this ballbusting work to show. i know i can be so overcritical of my own work that it shows even when heather mentions the whole is someone gonna shoot you or are you gonna die if its not perfect it makes me sound so silly worrying. at the same time i feel that if im not critical of my own work i'll fall behind and let an possible opportunity of exhibiting my work or getting my name out there won't occur. then again why do i want my name out there. i want to be recognized i guess. i know i have good work, but it feels nice to hear it from the pros to feel accepted and feel like what i do is being recongized by the people who have starved themselves of money and other opportunities to witness a person like myself be up there with them and prove to them i know my shit. i guess i never mastered anything ever, and art was something which came naturally, i dont want to be the best. a large part is because i always here oh well thats a pretty photo. from my parents but never, wow, i can't believe you did this, let's frame it, lets put it in my room, i love this an dthat about it. never, its always just nice or a chuckle. im the one to hang up my artwork put it on display and admire what ive done bc im proud. it brought me to tears when they told mizmo they're proud on open house. i know im known to be selfish at times and just do things for my mere convenience as i've been told but it always seems to be that my worst colors shine when im with my family and all my manners and things ive learned from my family shine when im in public. if only they'd see. i guess thats why i feel i can't hold the sucess in my hands for very long.
i feel like i don't deserve it when i have so many other faults. its not to beat myself up but its the plain truth. is it possible to be proud of yourself in one aspect but not others.
i just wish the good would last longer. i wish i didn't have to be paranoid when things go right and im too scared to savor them in fear that it'll all go to shit.
i don't trust myself. i don't trust sucess as hard as it may come is as hard as it feels the loss of it, or the steps to getting there. why.
gingerpubs: jesus camp. what teh fuck are you thinking?
SomeLowLife65: i need 5 credits
SomeLowLife65: damn u find out about my buissness quick
gingerpubs: leave it to christine.
SomeLowLife65: yeaa for real
SomeLowLife65: what u been up to
gingerpubs: doesn't that go agains the whole seperation of church and state?
gingerpubs: typing up a research paper which is now officially late on a book i already read
SomeLowLife65: not really cause its volunteer
SomeLowLife65: and i get 5 credits for 5 days
SomeLowLife65: which makes it tolerable
SomeLowLife65: fuckhw
gingerpubs: well thats legit.
gingerpubs: hopefully they don't brainwash.
gingerpubs: the fucking paper is worth 350pts and i have a 63% in the class.
SomeLowLife65: just sleep with the techer
SomeLowLife65: let them brainwash i cna just fuck with them
SomeLowLife65: imma tell my crew of youngins that if they disobey me then they will all burn in hell for all of eternity
gingerpubs: haha
gingerpubs: or you can pretend you're possesed and they can perform an exorcism
SomeLowLife65: hah
SomeLowLife65: yeah
gingerpubs: start twitchign and all wtih foam comign out your mouth.
SomeLowLife65: ill spit peas at them
gingerpubs: hey i'd volunteer just to see the sight of that.
SomeLowLife65: heh
SomeLowLife65: yea
SomeLowLife65: u going to san marins prom?
gingerpubs: i dont know yet why
SomeLowLife65: idk just wondering
SomeLowLife65: well im tired as fuck
SomeLowLife65: and i have to do hella shit tommorow that i dont want to
SomeLowLife65: peaCe
SomeLowLife65 signed off at 12:23:30 AM.
He had to ask about prom. why? out of all things. prom...really now? oh yeah and the abruptness in signing off afterwards. whyyyyyyyyyyy?
gahhh i hate having feelings....fine fucking feelings for him there i admitted it.
This week has to be the most crucial and hectic of my entire senior year yet i've been taking it really lightly. i just don't feel like stressing over things i usually do. i think part of it is due to the fact that i'm not even really caring about either the AP or the English paper. it's like BERB you can seriously you can go suck your own nuts at this point cuz mine are dried out from this entire year having you, and i don't feel as passionate to write a paper like i would last year seeing i felt i was actually doing something important and wellworth my time and effort. AP photo is a fucking joke. i feel so fucking unprepared and at this point im freaking about meeting their own fucking standards rather than whether they like my work or not. i just feel bad about the 30 or so dollar fee my parents are paying for :(
Prom is coming up. SHIT that's all i gotta say. in a perfect world i'd wanna go and get a really cute dress and uber cute shoes and have this amazing skin complexion all over my body and i wouldn't be as hairy and i'd be going with all my favorite people ever and we'd all have amazing dates who all get along and go in hella old school nice cars and have a great time and party like its no tomorrow after the dance....only here's the reality:
I feel torn about going cuz i don't wanna go through the whole ordeal of finding a dress big enough for my ginormous body. spending a bunch of money, convincing and making sure i'll have people to go with. attempt to find a date cuz it would be nice to go w/ a guy, too bad it'd be awkward cuz i have the worst 2 left feet ever. i don't feel like making an ass of myself around people i don't get along with. it just feels like too much of a forced effort. the funny part is that i'd totally go to Novato High's prom due to the fact i wouldn't know anyone there and not give abig a shit.
i ran into spencer morris today during 4th and i asked him if he'd like to go to dinner w/ anna and myself next weekend and he was down. i asked him if he was gonna go to prom and he said yeah most likely. i asked him if he had a date i suggested if he didn't have one that we should go and he said yeah, maybe he wasn't sure if he wanted to go though it was more like his friends were going, he assumed he would too.
see fucking shit i actually asked and seeing him and i go way back and he's a big sweetheart even then it's like shit dood do "I" even wanna go....blehhhh
part of me wants to go with a specific person but im too old fashioned and shy to ask, so i'd rather not.
so a really cute boy made me an indie mix cd, it's got a lot of really good music on it, and has to be one of the sweetest gestures anyone has made for me. :D im making him a mix right now. ohh how there are actually sweet people in this shithole of a town.
i knew this year was going to be filled with a lot of change. it all seems to be occurring so fast that i feel i'm not savoring the moment or what i have. i really only have mondays and fridays to myself plus weekends due to bbsitting pretty much right afterschool till the evening and by then im washed out.
everyone is going off to college and i feel i'll be here by myself going on long walks, photoshoots, smoking weed all day everyday by myself watching movies and sitting at starfucks the place where all the cool kids hang out smoking cigarettes till im blue in the face going home and doing it all over again. it sucks not being able to apply to schools because of money issues but worst b/c i wasn't born here. i used to be such an outgoing person. i still kinda am but when i get home all of that seems to go out the window and i find myself all alone sitting in front of the computer listening to music and bitching about my life.
i feel so mentally and emotionally drained i don't even know how to feel anymore.
alright so since i hadn't used LJ in a while i stumbled across mica and heather posting something about this vox site and its exactly like LJ but it looks nicer i guess. im a sucker for making accounts and dwelling on them for a while until they get old, but i like the layout of this one better to LJ so we'll have to see how long this one lasts for. hello mica and heather for you two are my only vox friends for now. what does vox stand for. it seems like vocals or something. w/ev.
