mizmo asked me this a while back as i was going through the AP portfolio frenzy. she mentioned how it seems im sabotaging my own sucess by having procrastinated for so long on it. i feel indifferent about what i told her however now ive seemed to find a smidg'm of light amongst this spiral of bad habits.
it was the first time i suppose that she even mentioned that i could succeed. in what way though, personal or external onto the world. maybe its the freshness of having turned it in that i wont allow the pat on the back for all this ballbusting work to show. i know i can be so overcritical of my own work that it shows even when heather mentions the whole is someone gonna shoot you or are you gonna die if its not perfect it makes me sound so silly worrying. at the same time i feel that if im not critical of my own work i'll fall behind and let an possible opportunity of exhibiting my work or getting my name out there won't occur. then again why do i want my name out there. i want to be recognized i guess. i know i have good work, but it feels nice to hear it from the pros to feel accepted and feel like what i do is being recongized by the people who have starved themselves of money and other opportunities to witness a person like myself be up there with them and prove to them i know my shit. i guess i never mastered anything ever, and art was something which came naturally, i dont want to be the best. a large part is because i always here oh well thats a pretty photo. from my parents but never, wow, i can't believe you did this, let's frame it, lets put it in my room, i love this an dthat about it. never, its always just nice or a chuckle. im the one to hang up my artwork put it on display and admire what ive done bc im proud. it brought me to tears when they told mizmo they're proud on open house. i know im known to be selfish at times and just do things for my mere convenience as i've been told but it always seems to be that my worst colors shine when im with my family and all my manners and things ive learned from my family shine when im in public. if only they'd see. i guess thats why i feel i can't hold the sucess in my hands for very long.
i feel like i don't deserve it when i have so many other faults. its not to beat myself up but its the plain truth. is it possible to be proud of yourself in one aspect but not others.
i just wish the good would last longer. i wish i didn't have to be paranoid when things go right and im too scared to savor them in fear that it'll all go to shit.
i don't trust myself. i don't trust sucess as hard as it may come is as hard as it feels the loss of it, or the steps to getting there. why.
